Shoveled my ass off this morning, thank you Lords of Winter after that snow dumping of overnight. I needed the yoga afterwards just to get my blood warmed up, as Cold Spring NY was 2 degrees at 7:30 this morning. (I need a beach, and I need it fast!)
Some of Life's Bullshit from Childhood
Just
for the record, my mother loved my brother, and, sometimes, she loved me...but
I suppose there are many of you out there that also grew up as "second
class citizens." See, my mother hated ALL children, even her own children (a
fact she will tell you herself if given the chance) except for, you guessed it,
my brother. My brother died June 2005 at age 45 of Ewing’s Sarcoma, a cancer he
was diagnosed with only eight months prior to his death.
When he died, my brother's amount of love, well, it was transferred over to my youngest "unexpected" sister. The sister who was born out of a need to try to keep my parent's marriage together (it failed, by the way, anyway, a very nasty long divorce followed) She was number two on my mother's love list, as she rose quickly to number "one and only" after June 2005. The other three of us, well, the same reserve that was never there for us, still wasn't there for us, but now we were adults, and as such, got real love from other adults. Pathetic isn't it, how your childhood haunts and theatrics are carried into your adult life, nestled right there on your shoulder, in the invisible backpack you carry with all of your bricks in it.
We were starved, but mostly for love and attention, as dad didn't have much too offer us either. It is often stunningly amazing how we even function as a part of society at all, given our lack of good breeding. Not all women make good drivers, or, apparently, good moms. The mom part is more surely the one that should come with a required needed pass or fail license attached to it. I blame a lot of this on the teachings of the Catholic Church, in particular, the Old World Irish Stoic Catholic Church ways...where birth control is forbidden, and if by god, god gives you five kids, or twenty, it is a blessing. (It was never a blessing in our family) It was an epic failed life plan as far as my mother was concerned. My dad just went along for the ride I think. When it got bumpy, so did he. Children should be seen but never heard hung like a banner in our home from as young as I can remember.
I only remember grandmother hugs, and, only, from one of my two grandmother's. Turns out my other grandmother had the same disease my mother did when it came to children. It is surprising in fact that I remain as well balanced an adult as I have turned out to be, given the bump - jerk ride of my childhood. So people, love your children like its no one’s business, or they will carry the haunt of it forever, and then some. I still wake at night from the chill of it all...
When he died, my brother's amount of love, well, it was transferred over to my youngest "unexpected" sister. The sister who was born out of a need to try to keep my parent's marriage together (it failed, by the way, anyway, a very nasty long divorce followed) She was number two on my mother's love list, as she rose quickly to number "one and only" after June 2005. The other three of us, well, the same reserve that was never there for us, still wasn't there for us, but now we were adults, and as such, got real love from other adults. Pathetic isn't it, how your childhood haunts and theatrics are carried into your adult life, nestled right there on your shoulder, in the invisible backpack you carry with all of your bricks in it.
We were starved, but mostly for love and attention, as dad didn't have much too offer us either. It is often stunningly amazing how we even function as a part of society at all, given our lack of good breeding. Not all women make good drivers, or, apparently, good moms. The mom part is more surely the one that should come with a required needed pass or fail license attached to it. I blame a lot of this on the teachings of the Catholic Church, in particular, the Old World Irish Stoic Catholic Church ways...where birth control is forbidden, and if by god, god gives you five kids, or twenty, it is a blessing. (It was never a blessing in our family) It was an epic failed life plan as far as my mother was concerned. My dad just went along for the ride I think. When it got bumpy, so did he. Children should be seen but never heard hung like a banner in our home from as young as I can remember.
I only remember grandmother hugs, and, only, from one of my two grandmother's. Turns out my other grandmother had the same disease my mother did when it came to children. It is surprising in fact that I remain as well balanced an adult as I have turned out to be, given the bump - jerk ride of my childhood. So people, love your children like its no one’s business, or they will carry the haunt of it forever, and then some. I still wake at night from the chill of it all...
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