unspoken truths

Warning, this is a heavy post. There are some deep and personal things I have been sorting out lately and I feel that my best writing comes when I share the hardest and scariest things. In an effort to challenge myself as a writer, I almost always share the inside, the raw, and the tumultuous emotions I have been wading through. On the bright side of this, a light at the end of a weighty post...is that maybe you will celebrate with me in having admitted and dealt with some things (of your own) that I've long been confused and afraid of.

I have always been a little nervous that I wasn't a good enough mother. I wanted so desperately to be more than what my parents had been. Fact. I knew I was doing my best, but I felt like it was never going to be close to what my children felt they needed and deserved. I frequently worried about this on a daily basis, and, still do at times. I would try to remind myself that it's all about love and that I have overflowing for my children, but still this fear didn't ease, or ever go far away enough from my core.

With much trepidation I have been wondering and recounting many things in my past and realize the conditioning and message I have had in my life about that I chose to believe. Somewhere along the line I believed a lie, I accepted the lie that I was not "good enough". From that point on even when people weren't saying that, I perceived that. I know it happened long, long ago, and some people may read this and be offended, however I am placing no blame.
(or, maybe I am, just a little) Life happens and people make mistakes, it's all about how we recover from those.

I didn't recover for a long time; in fact I went through very painful phases where I allowed that fear to literally run my life. For a short period of time I almost stopped breathing entirely, One day I noticed that even my eyes seemed lifeless and that is when I sought help. From there the fear took over other areas of my life. My whole marriage was spent trying to be the wife I was "supposed" to be, to a husband who was going to show aggression and violence in his words and his physical to me anyway, no matter how I tried. He never liked himself very much, and, apparently, I was going to simply be collateral damage amongst it all. I never felt good enough. I think now, love me anyway, or don't. All the things I tried to change for others only made me hollow and loath the uncomfortable of myself even more. That is where life began to blur  buckle and sway to the left, and needed much clarity.

Somewhere inside I found that I was stronger than I had known, that I knew things about myself that I had pushed down, and that being honest and real is the only way to live free and at peace. Lies I had believed gripped my life and held me back from truly loving everything, because all my time was spent worrying. Being the one to stand alone to do what I know I must do is part of why I am here and why I am okay to be an individual. On the path of conforming to everyone else's ideas of who I should be, I was headed in a very scary direction.

 Grow your own way with grace and strength. Our childhood is never far behind us, no matter how much we try to hide from it.